the puzzle which is Jim Kirk
by UniversalSpeech
Summary: Jim has been acting strangely and everyone has noticed. the star-date is 2219,6 and the Enterprise has been given the task of following up on a lead to the whereabouts of former Tarsus IV governor Kudos. what will happen when the crew find out about Jim's past and his accosiation with the mass murderer Kudos? Warning: Tarsus IV story, contains strong language, and upsetting scenes.
1. Chapter 1

The long echoing halls of the Enterprise were eerily quiet, with just the sounds of Dr McCoy's footsteps, filling the quiet corridors in his stride. He was travelling down the corridors at a deathly speed, his white sickbay coat billowing behind him, and wearing a face of frustration and concern. Frustration, that he was the one left to go on a man hunt for the "so called" captain. And concern for said captain, his friend, that he had been late to his beta shift on the bridge. Jim was never late. And this thought just caused more concern.

He turned sharply, heading towards the captains room. Only stopping shortly to release some of his building verbal frustration out on the oncoming cadet, who had managed to walk into him whilst reading down at his PADD which he was now scrambling down on the floor on all fours trying to retrieve the PADD which had been violently thrown in the rough collision of the two enterprise crewmen. McCoy's language used at the young, fresh faced cadet was what anyone would describe as 'creative'. Flushed red from embarrassment, the cadet quickly scurried to his feet and made a hasty apology to the now angry CMO and quickly turned on his heels and strode down the hall, his head bowed down and PADD clutched to his chest, breathing steadily, in an attempt to get control over his ever reddening face and neck. McCoy made the rest of his journey towards the captains quarters seething with overwhelming frustration and anger that made him clutch his fists tightly at his sides, in order to gain some control.

He reached Jim's door and banged violently.

"Damn it Jim! I swear to god if you don't open this door I'm going to hypo your ass to hell'n back"

his southern drawl leaking from his lips with the building frustration. He banged on the door again, and turned his head sharply to glare at the onlooking cadets that had gathered at the end at the hall. They quickly got back to doing whatever it was they were supposed to be, when they saw the shear anger on the CMO's face. He carried on knocking and only stopped when he heard the sound of a faint, but deep, groan emanating from the other side of the door.

"Jim open this door, NOW!"

he heard the sound of someone scuffling their feet on the floor, which got slightly louder as they came closer to the door. The sound of the door lock being opened made McCoy stand straight, ready to let his frustration out on the captain once he appeared in his view. But what he saw was far from what he expected to see from the normally bright, smart-ass captain. As the door slid open, McCoy was faced with the view of red rimmed, sunken and tired blue eyes staring back at him. shocked and speechless McCoy steadily ventured further into the captains room as the automatic door slid shut behind. He reached out a hand towards his friend and noticed firstly the flinch it produced and secondly the look of utter fear and dread in his sunken blue eyes. A look he had never before seen displayed from his friend.

"Jim?"

McCoy went to reach for his friend again, just to have his hand violently shoved to the side.

"No. Don't touch me...please Bones"

McCoy softened slightly at the sound of his nickname, and reluctantly placed his still outstretched hand down a his side. He took the long moments silence to view the picture of his friend before him. Jim's shoulders were slouched forward, his honey blonde hair sticking to his face from sweat. His night shirt hung loosely around his frame, more so than normal, and he noticed how thin and frail Jim looked. Not at all like his usually flirtatious and cocky self. And this worried him. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept for weeks, or eaten either. The smell was the last thing that hit him. The strong, putrid, familiar smell of vomit, emanating from the bathroom door.

"Jim, are you okay? What's wrong"

"nothing Bones, nothings wrong. I think I just caught a nasty stomach bug is all."

Bones noticed how Jim wouldn't look at him in the eyes. And he didn't like it. Not one god damn bit.

"Jim you look like you haven't eaten for days!"

Jim sighed heavily, running a shaking hand through his sweat drenched hair.

"yeah well, whatever I eat just ends up in the bottom of the toilet anyway."

Bones frowned deeply at the thought of his closest friend starving himself. He didn't like this. Not one bit. And he knew when Jim was lying to him. And he was going to find out what it was he was trying to hide.

"What's really wrong Jim? Your never late to your shift on the bridge. What's changed?"

"Nothing Bones I swear, I just feel a bit queasy is all, nothing a bit of rest cant handle"

"Really? Nothings wrong. I doubt that Jim, I know you and I know when your lying to me, so tell me what's really wrong, or I swear to god I will hypo your ass with truth serum and get it outa you that way!"

Jim's eyes were focused in a frown on the floor in front of his feet. Not looking up once. If he had he would have noticed the worry on his friends face.

"I'm fine bones I told you, theirs nothing else to it."

"Oh really, so why is it then that you haven't once looked at me in the eyes since I've been here then Jim?"

Jim finally snapped and raised his face to look directly at Bones.

"Damn it bones just leave it all ready!"

Bones scowled, furrowing his eyebrows lower. Jim held his gaze, they stayed this way in silent observation of each other until Jim's features suddenly changed and a green tinge to his face alerted them that Jim was about to empty the remains in his stomach. He quikly slapped a hand over his mouth and ran for the open door of the bathroom making it just in time to release his stomach into the toilet. Bones stood motionlessly, panning his eyes over the inside of the room. He noticed the bed looked untouched, probably due to jim spending most of his time with his head over the toilet he thought. The sound of Jim dry heaving in the bathroom sounded unusually loud in the tidy captains quarters.

Jim finally made his way out of the bathroom. Certain that there was nothing left in the contents of his stomach to empty. Hand's rubbing at his tired eyes as he tried to wake himself up. Bones was stood by his desk, arms folded in front of his chest with a look of concern covering his features. Jim's mustard yellow captain's top and a fresh pair of black slacks lay folded neatly on his bed. Bones fixed his gaze on Jim as he made his way over to the bed, stripping his night clothes of as he went. His lean, muscular chest had a sheen of sweat that glistened in the dim light of the room. His boxers hung loosely by his hips, and bones couldn't stop his gaze from drifting down the man's body in appreciation. Jim had by this time grabbed a towel from his wardrobe and was wiping the sweat from his body, ready to dress in the fresh clothes splayed out for him.

"you should rest Jim, your obviously not well"

"and miss a day on the bridge, I don't think so. I told you I'm fine bones, just leave it okay"

"well excuse me, I'm just a doctor after all! Your obviously not 'fine' Jim, anyone could see that much. You don't have to be CMO to figure it out!"

Jim turned to face him. Fully clothed now. His hands placed on his hips as he strode towards Bones his usual confident mask back in place.

"Look Bones, I told you its just a slight stomach bug. Nothing a kirk can't handle"

Bones scoffed loudly, shaking his head slightly before he returned his gaze to Jim's. Who was closer to him that he first thought.

"tell me what's wrong Jim, I know you, I know when your hiding something from me."

Jim's bright blue eyes looked deep into his own rusty brown one's, as if searching for something, before he turned abruptly and headed for the door.

"come on Bones, I've got a ship to run."

Bones sighed heavily before following behind Jim. He was not finished with him yet, and sooner or later he would find out what's 'really' going on with his friend. It was only a matter of trust.


	2. Chapter 2

The doors to the bridge pinged open as Bones and Jim walked out of the turbo lift to be greeted by the rest of the bridge crew hard at work at their designated stations. Jim's mask was back in place as he strolled over to the captains chair. But bones new better, and could see the anguish and pain in the depths of Jim's blue eyes. The alert for an incoming comm call went of as Jim made himself comfortable in the leather command chair.

"Chekov, put the comm on screen"

"I keptan" chekov's word were thick with his Russian accent as he spoke.

A phew minutes later the screen in front was filled with a view of the admirals conference room. Two rows of seats either side of a large oval shaped, dark oak table were occupied with the leading admirals. Two of which Jim recognized as part of the rescue crew to Tarsus all those years ago. But to Jim it felt like it was only yesterday that he was scrounging through abandoned houses for some scrap of food left, with the musty air thick with the metallic smell of blood that has become so familiar to his senses.

Only a phew people know of Jim's time spent on Tarsus and that's the way he wants things to stay. But only he has to live through the continuous nightmares that seem so real, he wakes up to the familiar sent of blood with the faces of so many of the people he couldn't save staring back at him in the darkness of his confines.

Deep in thought, Jim didn't realize the worried looking faces starring at him on the bridge as one of the admirals on the screen called out for his attention. It was only when Bones placed his hand on his shoulder that he became aware of the stares of the crew and admirals on screen. He tried to hide the flinch that his touch had produced, but Bones was not fooled. He could see the slight tremor in the captains frame that others would have missed. And that only made his worries for his friend deepen.

"Captain Kirk, are you with us?"

Jim looked up at the screen at the mention of his name and was faced with the old and familiar face of that of Admiral Pike.

"Ah, sorry I was just thinking"

"Oh, so sorry to have interrupted your 'thinking' captain, but we have things to discuss about the present mission at hand, and I need you on top of your game. Is that understood captain Kirk."

"Understood loud and clear admiral"

Pikes gaze was as hard as ever as he stared into the eyes of the young captain. Searching.

"Good, now lets get down to the mission principles. As you already know this mission is of the utmost importance and should be handled with that of respect and professionalism. Two days ago we received a comm call from an unknown source detailing the whereabouts of the former Tarsus IV governor Khan, Currently charged with Genocide and the mass murder of over 5,000 civilian's. The principle of the mission, to capture and restrain the one accused and bring him back to earth for trial. It is without said that we cannot afford to let him slip through the radar, and he must be brought back to earth at all costs."

the whole bridge crew nodded in silent agreement to the terms of the mission. Although young, they all understood the importance in the success of this mission and it was without a doubt they could not fail. Jim did not say anything, but instead just sat rigid in the command chair. A blank and emotionless expression across his features as he stared at the screen.

He knew that at some point throughout this mission people where bound to find out about his past on Tarsus, but was he really ready to face the man who's face plagued his nightmares every night. The man responsible of the deaths of thousands of innocent people, among those his cousins, friends and own brother. The man who held him prisoner for 2 years, and who tortured not only his body but mind as well. Would he be able to face the man who violently raped him when he was defenceless and weak. Would he be strong enough?

The thoughts running wild through his mind, made him cringe and scowl deeply at the thought of his worst nightmare becoming reality. He knew it was only a matter of time. All the while Bones had been starring at the young captain from his position behind the command chair, and he could not help but notice that his grip on Jim's shoulder had gotten tighter as he noticed the scowl and sorrowful look on the young man's features. The moments silence on the bridge was cut short as the smooth but demanding voice of commander Spock was heard.

"Admirals, the object of the mission is clear, but how are we supposed to recognize the accused when there where but only 3 survivors from the events of Tarsus that knew what he looked like. Two of which are dead and the last unknown."

Jim stiffened and took a shaky breath in through his nose. His gaze crossed over that of the leading admiral on screen, one out of the two admirals on the comm who knew of his past. His gaze was broken when the admiral turned to look at the tall standing Vulcan, his hands clasped tightly behind his back.

"the USS enterprise is the only ship able of accomplishing this mission, due to one of its crew members having been recognized as one of the remaining survivors of the events of Tarsus, and the last and remaining person who is able to identify governor Khan."

the bridge was in silent shock at this new information, and the only voice that could be heard was that of the young Mr Chekov, who was rambling a number of words in his home language of Russian which no one on the bridge understood.

"Vat! You are saying zat someone on zis ship is the soul survivor of the events of the Tarsus Massacre. And is the only person left zat can recognize him?"

His Russian accent coming out more prominent with all the emotion.

"Yes, in fact the person in question is present on the bridge at this very moment. Is that not correct 'Captain' Kirk. I think our discussion on the events of this mission have been clarified, and we will leave you to discuss further matters with your crew."

the admirals snide voice was thick with sarcasm aimed towards the captain. Jim knew the admiral didn't like him very much. Even if he was the saviour of the earth. But still, how could he just reveal in front of the whole bridge, 'his' crew, that he was on tarsus at the time of the massacre. Just a small child at the time. A secrete that he wished could stay buried forever. He should have known things would never be so easy.

The bridge was in stunned silence as the comm screen went black. Jim sat erect in the command chair and could feel the burning stares of the bridge crew. The light gasps of air from people in the room could be herd as they finally figured out who the admiral was talking about.

"Jim, is this true. Where you really on tarsus?"

Bones voice was shaky with the sheer emotion running through his body. His hand had slipped from Jim's shoulder at the realization that his closest friend could have kept such a secret from him all these years and not mentioned it to him. Did Jim not trust him?

Jim bowed his head to look at his empty lap, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. But bones still herd it.

"No, its true. I was on tarsus all those years ago, and I'm the only one left who can identify Khan."

no one spoke at the captains declaration, they all just stood starring at their captain. Never before had they seen the captain look so helpless and emotional before, even Spock looked as surprised as a half Vulcan could be.

Jim raised himself shakily to his feet and turned to look at the shocked faces starring back at him.

"Spock, you have the comm."

he moved steadily towards the bridge doors in silence, the tension thick in the air. He gulped heavily to try and cure his dry throat with no success. He placed his hand on the side of the door to steady himself. His legs felt unsteady beneath him. Without turning around he spoke to the crew. He couldn't face seeing the looks on their faces again.

"If you need my assistance I will be in my quarters"


End file.
